Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
