I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
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