We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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