Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Randomize
