you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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