I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Randomize
