dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
