benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize