Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize