i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize