I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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