omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
