The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
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