I wish I could teleport
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Less talking, more tequila
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Randomize