He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize