I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
