I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
My feet surprised me
Randomize
