dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
