I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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