Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
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