this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
