Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
