Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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