Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Randomize
