Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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