is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize