He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Randomize
