it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize