Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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