She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
