there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
