If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
