i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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