I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Randomize
