at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize
