Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize