I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
