the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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