wrigley field is MILF paradise
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Just high enough for therapy.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
