Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
You need a sexual gate keeper
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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