george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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