so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
