is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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