So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Randomize
