My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
