May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
