On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I am midnight drunk by noon
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
