My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
