just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
