everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
