I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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