just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
