I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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