I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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