What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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