I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Randomize
