I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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