my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
