he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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