Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
